Cameron Meredith Is Very Excited To Try Beignets

Cam Meredith confided in Bears general manager Ryan Pace that he had never tried beignets, a small, donut-like pastry that is popular with tourists in New Orleans. Pace, grief stricken with the news, decided to create a way for Meredith to eat all the beignets he wanted by signing Meredith to an original round tender rather than a 2nd rounder, which would have given the Bears a second round draft pick from any team that signed him. This low round tender enabled the New Orleans Saints to sign Meredith to a 2 year deal with 5.4 million guaranteed. Common sense would dictate that the Bears would immediately match this very reasonable offer.

I'm Kevin white. You'd know that if you were a real fan.

However, Pace knows how important beignets can be to a person; Pace is 1/8th beignets himself. His Great-grandfather had been a sack of pastry flour before being shaped into a square pouch and fried in a vat of hot oil. Pace's grandfather was created using the left over crunchy parts of his father. This can be the only explanation for allowing a player, who was slated to be your number one receiver in 2017 and the number 2 in 2018, to simply walk away with nothing in return. 

I ejaculate powdered sugar

Pace feels that homegrown talent is overrated anyway. "We don't need to develop talent, we need to keep making beignets or my whole family is fucking dead." a misty eyed Pace pleaded to reporters.

Put us in your mouth you automated piece of shit. 

Despite All Efforst By The Refs, 49ers Almost Win Super Bowl (Almost)

Despite All Efforst By The Refs, 

49ers Almost Win 

Super Bowl (Almost)

Jim Harbaugh, Demonstrating Where The Refs Have Been

Placing Their Fist All Game

Despite falling behind 28-6 at the start of the third quarter, the resilient San Francisco 49ers almost pulled off the greatest come-from-behind victory in Super Bowl history.

After a freak power outage, the 49ers managed to outscore the Baltimore Ravens 25-6. Unfortunetly for the 49ers team, the referees decided it would be best for the game if they didn't interfere with the outcome of the game by throwing those little yellow rags they keep on their hips.

Two balantant non-calls late in the game (offsides on Ed Reed and pass interference on San Francisco's last play of the game) helped seal the niners fate. These bad calls, however, would not erase the fact that prior to the lights going out in the Super Bowl, the niners had played like a submissive bottom to the Ravens power top.

I'll Take A Stab at It!

Lead by aging, double homicide escaping Ray Lewis (who looked every bit of his 17 years in the league, missing several key tackles and being a complete non-factor) the Ravens managed to stumble their way into another championship, all while wearing the first name of the man who swore to Cleveland that he would never relocate the Browns on the front of their jerseys.

But, that's who the Ravens are. A team no one outside of Maryland and the seven rings of hell like. Now, Joe "I'm the best in the league" Flacco and Ray "Get ready for some water works" Lewis, get to ride off into the sunset, chest sticking out further than a blue birds, while the rest of the NFL has to look themselves in the mirror and ask how 31 other teams couldn't stop a average offense and a group of senior citizens (by NFL standards) on defense from hoisting the Lombardi trophy.

Another season down the drain, the fans of the NFL have a whole off season to ponder what network will hire Ray Lewis to give indepth analysis like "Give it all you got." and "You have to be willing to put it all on the line."

Fucking, god damn it. I hate the Ravens.

Ray Graham Calls Fellow Student a "Honkey"; Can't Understand Why All These Crackers Is Trippin'

Ray Graham Calls Fellow Student a "Honkey"; Can't Understand Why All These Crackers Is Trippin'

I Can't Be Racist, I'm Black

Ray Graham, along with two other prominent Pittsburgh Panthers football players (Devin Street, Lafayette Pitts*), has been charged with simple assault and conspiracy after an alleged incident involving a white student on Oct. 21.

"Graham confronted him by saying, “What’s up?” along with a racial slur. Olsheski said he tried to walk away but that Graham and Street blocked his way and Pitts kept him from retreating. Olsheski “stated that shortly thereafter, he was struck one time on the left side of his head by Mr. Street.”'

Pittsburgh officials have taken the unusually strict approach of issuing 3 non-suspensions for the players. They are playing Notre Dame this weekend after all, and without their star running back, they stand little or no chance. Pittsburgh AD had this to say on the matter. "I just wish Ray wasn't as productive. If he was like, our third string back, then, I guess we could factor in the crime he's accused of when deciding if he'll play or not. But, I mean, c'mon, we suck with Ray Graham. What would happen if we didn't have him?"

Ray Graham was last seen yelling "CRACKA ASS CRACKA!" at a McDonald's drive thru employee.

*Seriously, this fucking guy's name is Lafayette Pitts. Who the fuck names their kid Lafayette Pitts?

Dolphins Rout Jets 30-9 (Also, The Word Series has ended)

Dolphins Rout Jets 30-9 

(Also, The Word Series has ended)

Finally, A Problem I Can Actually run Away from

Miami came out in full force at home against the visiting New York Jets. After a week of smack talk, Jets head coach Rex Ryan will be eating crow until his next public display of hubris.

The Quarterback controvery in New York is going to be hotter than ever with Mark Sanchez' animec play continues (28-54, 283 yards, 1 TD, 1 interception and a fumble). The Jets have, at the very least, a bonafide jersey seller sitting on the bench in Tim Tebow. The calls of "Bench Mark" are only going to get even louder.

For Miami's part, their defense finally put together a complete game, keeping New York out of the endzone until the final minutes of the game.

This Game Will Be #1 Forever

In other sporting news, the San Francisco Giants have won the largest pre-1967 sporting event, the World Series, by downing the Detroit Tigers 4 games to 0. The Giants have now captured their 2nd World Series title in 3 years. Milk Men everywhere were glued to their transistor radios.

Jarvis Jones' Brain Locks Up During Post-Game Interview; Can't Stop Referencing Men

Jarvis Jones' Brain Locks Up During Post-Game Interview; Can't Stop Referencing Men

Can This Interview Please Be Over?

Jarvis Jones mind went into lock down mode after the Bulldogs 17-9 victory over Florida, when asked by Tracy Wolfson about Georgia's defense being called out by Shawn Williams earlier in the week

(Exact Quote)

"He challenged us as his brothers, he challenged us as men...you know, and...and for us to be his brother, and for us to be...be men, you know, I mean for a man when somebody challenges you, especially another man, you got to step up and, you know, and, and play to your level." 

(What The Fuck?)

Jarvis then went on to credit the victory to "It is what it is" and "Please, I can't finish any thoughts right now, just let me go to the locker room."

Brian Kelly Invites ND Hater Nation To Collectively Lick His Balls

Brian Kelly Invites ND Hater Nation To Collectively Lick His Balls

10 point underdogs my ass

Brian Kelly has at least a week to bask in the biggest win Notre Dame has had since their non-victory to USC in 2005. With the majority of sports media openly assuring anyone who would listen, that ND had no chance against an Oklahoma squad that was too explosive and too disciplined.

Kelly began shining up his nuts early this week.

Now, with his offense rushing for 215 yards and his star Quarterback playing like he was promised to play from the start of the season and his defense living up to their lofty stats against the Sooners, only allowing 15 rushing yards, a 30 to 13 victory has coach Kelly prepared for a collective licking of his balls from every so called expert that gave his team no chance.

Though it will be unlikely anyone will take him up on his offer, Kelly will be by the Knute Rockne statue in front of Notre Dame stadium this Monday from 3-5pm EST for anyone interested.

Cincinnati Bearcats Head Coach Would Like A Life Do-Over After Icing Of Louisville Kicker Backfires

Cincinnati Bearcats Head Coach Would Like A Life Do-Over After Icing Of Louisville Kicker Backfires 

The Face Of Buyer's Remorse

With his Quarterback throwing a costly interception in overtime, Butch Davis thought he would save the day by using the worst "Icing The Kicker " strategy of all time. With Louisville set to kick a field goal on, what would have been, a botched snap and, at the very least, an extension of overtime, Butch Davis chose to call a time out.

Louisville would go on to hit the field goal with their second attempt.

Butch has last been seen at an indian casino in Arizona, drinking whiskey sours and telling anyone who will listen that it was his QB's fault they lost.