Dolphins Rout Jets 30-9 (Also, The Word Series has ended)

Dolphins Rout Jets 30-9 

(Also, The Word Series has ended)

Finally, A Problem I Can Actually run Away from

Miami came out in full force at home against the visiting New York Jets. After a week of smack talk, Jets head coach Rex Ryan will be eating crow until his next public display of hubris.

The Quarterback controvery in New York is going to be hotter than ever with Mark Sanchez' animec play continues (28-54, 283 yards, 1 TD, 1 interception and a fumble). The Jets have, at the very least, a bonafide jersey seller sitting on the bench in Tim Tebow. The calls of "Bench Mark" are only going to get even louder.

For Miami's part, their defense finally put together a complete game, keeping New York out of the endzone until the final minutes of the game.

This Game Will Be #1 Forever

In other sporting news, the San Francisco Giants have won the largest pre-1967 sporting event, the World Series, by downing the Detroit Tigers 4 games to 0. The Giants have now captured their 2nd World Series title in 3 years. Milk Men everywhere were glued to their transistor radios.

Jarvis Jones' Brain Locks Up During Post-Game Interview; Can't Stop Referencing Men

Jarvis Jones' Brain Locks Up During Post-Game Interview; Can't Stop Referencing Men

Can This Interview Please Be Over?

Jarvis Jones mind went into lock down mode after the Bulldogs 17-9 victory over Florida, when asked by Tracy Wolfson about Georgia's defense being called out by Shawn Williams earlier in the week

(Exact Quote)

"He challenged us as his brothers, he challenged us as men...you know, and...and for us to be his brother, and for us to be...be men, you know, I mean for a man when somebody challenges you, especially another man, you got to step up and, you know, and, and play to your level." 

(What The Fuck?)

Jarvis then went on to credit the victory to "It is what it is" and "Please, I can't finish any thoughts right now, just let me go to the locker room."

Brian Kelly Invites ND Hater Nation To Collectively Lick His Balls

Brian Kelly Invites ND Hater Nation To Collectively Lick His Balls

10 point underdogs my ass

Brian Kelly has at least a week to bask in the biggest win Notre Dame has had since their non-victory to USC in 2005. With the majority of sports media openly assuring anyone who would listen, that ND had no chance against an Oklahoma squad that was too explosive and too disciplined.

Kelly began shining up his nuts early this week.

Now, with his offense rushing for 215 yards and his star Quarterback playing like he was promised to play from the start of the season and his defense living up to their lofty stats against the Sooners, only allowing 15 rushing yards, a 30 to 13 victory has coach Kelly prepared for a collective licking of his balls from every so called expert that gave his team no chance.

Though it will be unlikely anyone will take him up on his offer, Kelly will be by the Knute Rockne statue in front of Notre Dame stadium this Monday from 3-5pm EST for anyone interested.

Cincinnati Bearcats Head Coach Would Like A Life Do-Over After Icing Of Louisville Kicker Backfires

Cincinnati Bearcats Head Coach Would Like A Life Do-Over After Icing Of Louisville Kicker Backfires 

The Face Of Buyer's Remorse

With his Quarterback throwing a costly interception in overtime, Butch Davis thought he would save the day by using the worst "Icing The Kicker " strategy of all time. With Louisville set to kick a field goal on, what would have been, a botched snap and, at the very least, an extension of overtime, Butch Davis chose to call a time out.

Louisville would go on to hit the field goal with their second attempt.

Butch has last been seen at an indian casino in Arizona, drinking whiskey sours and telling anyone who will listen that it was his QB's fault they lost.

Chicago Bears Defense To Be Named Honorary Receivers For Carolina Game

Chicago Bears Defense To Be Named Honorary Receivers For Carolina 

Game

I'll Take That

The Chicago Bears defensive unit will be designated receivers when they take on Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers this Sunday. The NFL has never allowed a team to have two offenses in the same game before, but with the sheer number of turnovers the Panthers are bound to have, they will have little choice

I Owe You One, Tony

The Bears lead the league in interceptions. They have more interceptions than Cam Newton has touchdowns and interceptions. What this means is that, for all intents and purposes, the Bears will have their hands on the ball more often than the Panther's receivers will.

Reach for Your dreams, Children

With Cam Newton, fresh off his succesful attempt to remove Panther's GM Marty Hurney, and  attempting to prove he can light it up on offense, the Bears are contemplating sitting their receivers all together. 

NFL Referees To Use Pink Flags On Sunday; Breast Cancer Still The Only Disease Curable By Awareness (Apparently)

NFL Referees To Use Pink Flags On Sunday; Breast Cancer Still The Only Disease Curable By Awareness (Apparently)

Seriously though, all women over 40 should get a yearly mammogram

NFL referees will be without their trademark yellow flags this weekend as the professional football league hopes to raise awareness of breast cancer. While their are over 200 different types of cancers that affect humans, none of them sell quite like breast cancer.

NFL commisioner had this to say on the temporary use of the pink flags "Prostate cancer is deadly, but I don't even know what color that ribbon is. No, in this economy, if you're gonna back something, you want to back a winner, and the winner in cancers is breast. Besides, no one wants to be reminded of how they get checked for colon cancer."

Mary Burbridge, currently being treated for stage IIIB breast cancer, doesn't particularly give a fuck what color the NFL ref's flags are. She doesn't watch football.

Nike Reveals New KD V; Keeps Fingers Crossed On Impending Homicides

Nike Reveals New KD V; Keeps Fingers Crossed On Impending Homicides

C'mon, You know you want me

Nike today revealed Kevin Durant's fifth signature shoe, the aforementioned "KD V". Executives out of Nike headquarters in Oregon are hoping that the first robbery related homicide follows quickly.

"Without an inner city death attributed to these shoes, suburban kids won't want to buy them, and that's really our target market." An unnamed executive of the high end sneaker brand commented. "We want the young people to feel dangerous when wearing our products, even if it's just to walk around the mall, actually, it will be just to walk around the mall, it's a huge selling point for our shoes."

"After the first young, probably black, kid is shot dead for his KD V's, we'll know this shoe has arrived."

The unnamed executive had this to say about the future robbery victims "The ironic thing is, the KD V has been shown in test to actually hinder/slow down a person when running across concrete or cement." 

Nike shareholders are due their upcoming 3rd quarter dividend this month.

Hipster OU Fan Picks Oklahoma To Beat Notre Dame 17,000 to Whatever

Hipster OU Fan Picks Oklahoma To Beat Notre Dame 17,000 to Whatever

isn't this foam finger ironic?

Oklahoma Sooners fan Teagan Floweather doesn't think Notre Dame has a chance to beat the Sooners this Saturday. Teagan has been a die hard Sooners fan since they have won their last three games. "Notre Dame doesn't have the defense to stop Laundry" (Teagan is referring to Landry Jones, the Sooners starting QB)

When pressed for any context to back up his claims, Teagan had this to say "Monty Tayow (Manti Te'o) isn't fast enough to handle anything OU is gonna throw at them." he went on "They can't stop the run. (ND ranks 13th) They can't defend the pass. (ND ranks 13th) OU is gonna run up the score on them (ND ranks 2nd in points allowed) I can't wait to see the look on Chip Kelly's stupid face when we destroy them." (Chip Kelly is the head coach for the Oregon Ducks, Brian Kelly coaches ND)

When the fact that ND has only allowed 5 touchdowns this season was brought up, Teagan put his 3 Floyds micro brew down long enough to spout "Yeah, and they play the easiest schedule in the world. If Oklahoma had their schedule, they would have allowed negative 5 touchdowns."

Teagan will be at his local Barnes and Noble all week.

With His Team Down 45-7 Midway Thru 3rd Quarter, Geno Smith Slaps Tarp Into His Own Face

With His Team Down 45-7 Midway Thru 3rd Quarter, Geno Smith Slaps Tarp Into His Own Face

Just put me out of my misery

With no way to stop the monumental ass whooping his team (not to mention his Heisman hopes) were taking, Geno Smith saw no other way to help his team other than to embarrassingly throw a blue tarp into his face.

At the 8:55 mark of the third quarter, Kansas State was given another easy touchdown by West Virginia's not offense. Smith, frustrated by the defenses confusion about their roles in the game, that they are suppossed to stop the other teams offense, not assist them into the end zone, pumped his fist in frustration too close to a blue tarp that was covering some equipment on the Mountaineers sideline.

Then a Fox sports producer decided to air footage a camera operator captured of Geno Smith looking like a clumsy oaf.

The blue tarp would later claim that it was only lashing out in self defense.

A-Rod On Reported Trade Rumors "I'm Rich, Bitch."

A-Rod On Reported Trade Rumors 

"I'm Rich, Bitch."

Oh, I'm sorry, you thought I gave a fuck?

Alex Rodriguez disappoints America by not giving a shit if he'll be traded to the Marlins. "I mean, I cared about winning, but after my first hundred mil, it all kind of became just a game to me." Said the superstar third baseman "Sure, I want to stay in New York, but that's just because everyone at my bank knows the days I come in for withdrawls. With the money I'm taking out, the bank needs to be ready for it, ya heard?" He then turned to high five his personal assistant "Gator"

roughly the amount of money A-Rod is still owed from the Yankees

A-Rod was over heard saying as he left "There ain't shit, like clockin' a grip."

Adidas Exec That Signed Derrick Rose To $260 Million Contract Currently Praying To God

Adidas Exec That Signed Derrick Rose To $260 Million Contract Currently Praying To God

C'mon, Ole Gill really needs this one

After Signing Derrick Rose to a $260 million dollar "lifetime" contract, only to see the star athlete go down with a debilitating knee injury less than two months later,  Gilbert "Gill " Leibowitz is currently asking God if he would please just grant him this one wish. Gill would like Derrick Rose back and recovered from his knee injury before the end of the 2012-13 NBA season. "God, I didn't give up on you when Karen left me for a tattoo artist because she said I was "Too vanilla." give me this one thing..."

I don't thinks so - says Derrick roses's ACL

Adidas board of directors is set to review Gill's "Career Direction" in the coming weeks.

Aaron Rodgers Says "Fuck This Shit." Scorches Texans With 6 Touchdown Passes

Aaron Rodgers Says "Fuck This Shit." Scorches Texans With 6 Touchdown Passes

No more Mr. Nice-Packer

Aaron Rodgers finally gets fed up with his team losing to rookie Quarterback's and decides to make the Texans secondary look like they were just taught how to play defense by a blind man.

"I didn't ride the bench for three fucking years to look like shit." said Rodgers to a group of visiting Girl Scouts. "I told those cocksuckers" (his receivers), "if they didn't catch that motherfucking ball, I was gonna kick their dicks into their ever thristy throats!"SIC

"Golly!" said the Blue Bird troop from Madison.

Anderson Silva Mistakenly Believes He Was Sent To Execute Stephan Bonnar

Anderson Silva Mistakenly Believes He Was Sent To Execute Stephan Bonnar

Oops, says the Brazilian

Silva Released This Statement (Translated)

I did not believe that the UFC would allow a fight as lop-sided as placing me in a cage with Stephan Bonnar. My friends convinced me, though I now know this to be untrue, that the United States has become more liberal with how death row inmates choose to die and that Stephan Bonnar had been sentenced to die and chose death by me.

I am a huge fan of the movie "Gladiator" and I thought, how cool would it be if I give Stephan a few free shots so he would believe he could escape certain death, and therefore, be sent to the after life in an upbeat and positive mood.

It was not until I had driven my knee into the deepest depths of his chest cavity in an effort to explode his heart, and the referee was pulling me off after I tried unsuccesfully to cave in his skull, did I realize that this was, in fact, a legitimate MMA match.

My apologies go out to Stephan Bonnar and my thoughts are with his family as he makes, what will surely be, a long and painful recovery from my attempted murder. Thank you to the fans for watching. - Anderson Silva

Ten Simple Rules For Watching Football

Ten Simple Rules For Watching Football

       Every Weekend between September and January, there is a new round of football games

played in this great nation. From the NFL to local flag football, kids and adults plop down to 

watch this great game. And every week, there is a new round of belly aching from fans who should be used to the ups and downs of a football season by now.  So, I have compiled a simple list of thing that WILL HAPPEN IN EVERY FOOTBALL GAME. Take this list with you to your next game and save yourself from a aneurysm.

1. A Receiver Will Drop A Pass. 

Seriously, wide open, with no one around him, he'll drop a sure fire touchdown. You will see this and count it as a phantom touchdown, and, for the rest of the season, you'll bring it up as what would have been the difference maker in a close game. Let. It. Go.

2. The Referee Will Make A Bad Call

Holy cow, did you just see that? Roughing the passer? He barely brushed against him and the QB just falls over, that's fucking bullshit. And it is fucking bullshit, to everyone except for the one person who has the power to throw a flag. Move on.

3. The Referee Will Miss An Obvious Call.

Ok, so this guy calls roughing the QB when he barely gets touched, but our receiver gets tackled, while the balls in the air, and that's not a penalty? Only to the guy in black and white. 

4. The Defender Will Signal Every Pass Incomplete

I don't know why defensive backs think swinging their arms from side to side in front of themselves is magic. It was a catch dude, you got burned.

5. A Receiver Will Be Credited With a Catch He Didn't Make

Call the Academy, 'cause this guy deserves an award. scooped up that ball on a single hop and did his best to show possesion. God damn refs. (see rule 3 or 2)

6. The Punter Will Fall Over If A Defender Farts In His General Direction

um, punter guy, that was a nice pirouette, but nobody came within ten miles of....oh, here comes the flag. Nice job, 15 yards and a 1st down.

7. Your Teams Headcoach Will Call Run Up The Middle 15 Times In A Row

This didn't work the last 5 times, let's just run it 10 more times to prove that it's not a fluke.

8. The Defense Will Draw The Offense Offsides And Won't Be Flagged For It

I'm positive now that the referee's work for the opposing teams booster club.

9. A Game-Changing Touchdown Will Be Called Back

Ok, this is ridiculous now, HE CLEARLY CROSSED THE PYLON BEFORE LOSING CONTROL OF THE FOOTBALL, THAT WAS A TOUCHDOWN! 

(I can't breathe, I can't breathe)

10. The Guy That Hits Back Will Get The Personal Foul Called On Him

I'm done. He just got pancaked 30 seconds after the play was called dead, but he shoves the guy back and he gets called for unnecessary roughness? I'm burning my house down and moving to Canada.